walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
