Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
