Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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