Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we made out on top of his cat.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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