Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
