if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
