i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So vagazzling was a success
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
