If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
