Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
