you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
