dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
