My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
