I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
