sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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