Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
