can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
