saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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