I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
