they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
