His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
