theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
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