we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize