Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
