wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
