I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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