I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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