There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
