I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
