sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
