White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
