not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
