Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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