I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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