So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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