i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize