So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
