I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
