You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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