You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
