I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize