Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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