I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
