dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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