I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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