In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I met the friendliest cop last night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
