Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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