I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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