But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
