I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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