Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Text me some of your sweat
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
