I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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