I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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