Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
