It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
