small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
