you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
no you cant smoke seaweed
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
