sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
