Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
