can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
