Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
