what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
