Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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