Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
