I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
