he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
